I don't eat buffalo

Aww . . . I guess this isn't a surprise, but still . . . who knew that two mediocre music careers and a perfect pair of boobs weren't enough to keep a marriage together.

This really can't be healthy

R: Are you playing against people online?
M: Yep. These guys must do nothing but play Halo though, because they're totally kicking my ass.
R: The problem is with your name. Look, these guys all have intimidating handles like "bunnykiller" and "007haloguy". You're just using your real name. That's not intimidating at all.
M: You're right. I need a better handle.
R: Ooh! How about "Justice_Scalia"!
M: *silence*
R: Come on, he's a pretty scary guy.
M: You've completely lost your mind, haven't you?

Clearing up some confusion

A few points I need to make:

1. Yes, I am married.
2. That guy you see me study with? The one who looks EXACTLY like me? Well, he's actually my brother. Not my husband.
3. No, my brother is not my boyfriend, we are just studying together. Yes, you're right, most siblings don't hang out, I can see how that would be confusing . . . . if we lived in Arkansas.
4. Um, no, I didn't change my last name. So if you'd like to email my husband and I, and you look up email addresses for "Matt G" and "Rachel G" you have actually just looked up the email addresses for me and my brother. If you then email those addresses you've sent an email to me and my brother, causing him to then send me an email that says "who the hell is this person?"
5. Yes, it is strange that both my husband and brother are named Matt. But it is very convenient to yell at them, because I can go "MATTS!"
6. No, I don't get them confused. Do you get Paul McCartney and Paul Lindh confused just because they have the same first name?

Nerds r' Us

Exactly twenty-four hours ago, I put the finishing touches on my seminar paper and emailed it to my Professor. I seriously considered going to bed for a few hours and then getting up at about eight am to email it then, so that it would seem like I had finished up early and was sending it right before a full day of work and school and making the world a better place. But who am I kidding? Professors know that we stay up all night finishing papers. So, as I said, I emailed my paper to him at four in the morning. And then I spent another hour cleaning up the books, the papers, and the general mess that the living room had become. And then I went to sleep. Ahhhh.

Tonight I'm up at four in the morning because Matt and I are playing video games. This is because we are nerds, and this is what nerds do. Soroush told me that once when Matt and I were late getting to a party at his house, someone started making sort of strange comments about how we were probably just at home getting it on instead of hanging out with our friends. "Hmm", I replied, "If by 'getting it on' you mean 'playing Halo', then yes, we are."

"Myyy Giiiirlfrieeeends"

The worst part of writing a two million page paper is the night before it's due. I'm not a procrastinator about this type of thing, so the night before is when I'm making miniscule, mind-numbingly boring changes that no one is going to notice. It's when I do things like get my footnotes together, and use the "Find" function to make sure that I haven't accidentally used the word "pubic" when I meant to type "public". For a paper on "pubic forms of religious expression" is definately not going to get me a good grade.

The night before is also when I find ANYTHING YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE to distract me from finishing up. It's like my mind goes "you did the hard part, now let's stay up all night procrastinating on the easy part! Paaaaaaarty!!".

I thought I might share some of the things a person can do to put off finishing a paper. Feel free to borrow these ideas if you have an important assignment of your own. Note that all of the following items have been, or will be, perpetrated by myself this very night.

1. Blog. Case in Point.
2. Watch reruns of "Girlfriends" on the WB.
3. Google people. Preferably ex-boyfriends and mean girls.
4. Download Harry Potter trailers.
5. Eat all of the fruit in the fridge.
6. Try to wake your husband up in the middle of the night to see if he'll help distract you. (You can interpret that in whatever way you like.)
7. When that doesn't work, talk to the cat.
8. Paint toenails.
9. Look at real estate in Las Vegas.
10. Send grumbly emails to people about why Nick had that stupid mustache on tonight's CSI.

If I was a Supreme Court Justice . . . .

"The Petitioners assert that the suit may be maintained due the particulars of the question presented. Namely, they rely on our previous indications that suits which seek to enforce contractual obligations against a state must be examined on different grounds than similarly situated tort claims. Respondents, on the other hand, rely on the extensive precedent requiring a clear statement from Congress of their intent to create such a remedy. The clear statement rule, which has been employed by this court in many areas of federal question, has been the source of much confusion. In many cases construing federal statutes, including the case at bar, the courts face the difficult question of attempting to glean from often unwieldy statutes and evidence whether Congress has met the amorphous clear statement threshold.

Because we beleive our previous clear statement tests have proved unworkable due to their vagueness, we now adopt what can best be termed the 'Super Badass In-Your-Face Clear Statement Rule': if Congress wishes to create a judicially enforceable remedy, they must clearly state their intent to do so by:

1. Including obvious language in the statute
2. Dressing the House majority leader up as a Turtle, writing on the back of his shell 'Clear Statement Turtle', and then parading him around the Lincoln Memorial on a leash while he holds the statute in his mouth
3. Notarizing the asses of every member of the Senate who actively participated in the development of said statute

We feel that this new test, while rigorous, will ensure that the intent of Congress is fairly determined and can then be adjudicated."

Ah do declare! I am offended, sir!

I don’t consider myself easily offended. I like dirty jokes, you know? I’ll swear on occasion. I’ll watch an R-rated movie. But in the past few days I’ve been extremely offended on two separate instances. Neither of the offensive happenings were aimed directly at me, which leads me to wonder if I’m becoming over-sensitive. I also believe that not being so easily offended is just as important as trying not to offend people, but that belief has to coexist with justice: I’m all for not getting personally put off, but if someone says something totally wrong then I think it’s a person’s responsibility to say, on behalf of the world of civilized human beings, that they found that comment very inappropriate. If someone tells a terrible, racist joke I don’t think you should just ignore it, but I don’t think you should get in their face about it either. How about a simple “I know you weren’t serious, but I found that joke to be a little inappropriate.”? Obviously I’m not saying people have to act all P.C. around close friends, but I do think that in some situations, say, an office, where you don’t know everyone well, if someone crosses the line then they ought to be willing to listen to your opinion too. If not then they’re a douchebag.

Case in Point: Today, at my friend’s office, someone dressed up as a New Orleans looter for Halloween. Maybe this would be funny to some people if done a certain way, but even so how is that in any way an appropriate costume to wear to a large work setting? Furthermore, the specifics of this costume were such that I really can’t think of ANY PLACE IN THE UNIVERSE where anyone should be wearing them. I kid you not: the guy’s “costume” (if you can call an idiotic amalgamation of racism a costume) was that he pushed around a cart full of electronics, had painted on “blackface”, and wore a dreadlock wig. I AM TOTALLY SERIOUS. My friend said the guy is Hispanic, which makes me wonder if he’s one of those people who thinks that being a minority gives you the right to act like a racist asshole to other minorities. Guess what – you don’t have to be white to be prejudiced. It’s not okay for anyone to be racist. There is no civilized, educated person in the world who would think it’s appropriate to wear blackface as part of a costume, let alone as part of a racist costume, let alone as part of a racist costume that you wore in a public place. I hope that guy wears his costume on Sixth Street and gets the you-know-what beaten out of him by some people from New Orleans.

Some things are funny and un-offensive around your friends but offensive to others. Some things, though, are offensive no matter who finds them funny.

Case in Point #2 is less politically charged, but still got me upset. I’ll decline to go into specifics, but basically I think it’s offensive and presumptuous to send people an email insinuating that they’re neglecting important responsibilities for selfish desires, that they’re wasting precious time on material pursuits, just because they aren’t able to help you with a particular activity. They’re probably doing things that are just as important as what you’re doing, and assuming that they’re just piddling around and sending out guilty-trippy emails, as if they’ll read them and think “Gosh, maybe I should try to do something worthwhile instead of spending all my time doing crack” is unfair and hurtful, especially considering the fact that they would probably love to help you if they had the time.

*Deep breath. Okay, I think I’ve gotten everything off my chest. Aside from my newly discovered sensibilities everything is good. I’m working on a mammoth but very interesting paper that’s due in less than two weeks. Assault and Flattery auditions are ongoing.