Open Letter to Various Celebrities

To Whom it May Concern:

I hesitated about writing this post. You people already get enough attention, usually for stupid things like having fender benders or buying new breasts, and I don't like to contribute to that nonsensical and wasteful aspect of American culture. However, some of these things have to be said. I can't keep pretending. I cannot stay silent anymore, various celebrities! Here goes:

(1) To LeVar Burton: How is it that you aren't aging? Seriously, I saw an episode of Reading Rainbow a few weeks ago, and your skin is so smooth it looks like marble. Are you getting botox? Is it genetic? Or, is Matt right, and you've used your visor and the transporter to create an anti-aging device? What's the secret??

(2) To Dan Radcliffe: Dan . . . . dear, sweet Dan. You're adorable as Harry Potter, but . . . what is this? And this? And this? I get that you're in a play (a fairly well-known, but odd, play) and that you're trying to make Serious Actor career moves. I guess I respect that. But I have to say, I never thought I'd be afraid to look at a picture of you because I might end up seeing Harry's magic wand, if you know what I mean.

Thank you for your time,

R