Letter #1, Raychul storms around the house hating the raccoon and has a general bad attitude
Dear Mr. Raccoon-who-feels-compelled-to-dig-a-hole-in-the-wall-and-then-climb-out-into-the-bathroom-cabinet-below-the-sink,
Get the fuck out of my house.
Sincerely,
Rachel
Letter#2, Matt recalls with fondness his many adventures with his newest furry friend
Dear Kindly-raccoon-friend-who-only-created-trouble-out-of-friendliness,
You have indirectly done so much for our family, like when one of the policemen sent by Animal Control to confirm your existence asked how to pronounce the word "Baha'i" and then took a prayer book with him to look at. Thank you for solving the mouse problem by removing the the newspaper used to plug the hole around the sink's plumbing - this finally made it obvious to us that there was a gigantic fucking hole around the plumbing under our sink which was simply stuffed with a newspaper from 1983, and which is now boarded and nailed up. I lament for your ancestors who tried to make their way into our bathroom but were thwarted by the ingenious placement of newspaper, which we all know is so fucking strong and immovable, in the gigantic, cavernous gaping hole.
I apologize that you were frightened away by my wife, since you were obviously just trying to make first contact and only had good intentions. I wish I had been there when you pushed open the cabinet door with your cute little nose and stuck your head into the bathroom, thereby confirming that you were, indeed, sitting under our sink. Maybe you were just looking for some tylenol, unlike that junkie the mouse, who preferred chewing holes in bottles of Afrin and then ingesting it. Anyway, if I had been there instead of my wife, I would certainly not have slammed the bathroom door and run screaming away. I would have greeted your curious face with kindness, and said, "Oh, helloooo little friend! Won't you stay in our bathroom? Perhaps you'd like something to eat? We have a bunch of old garbage which I'm sure is quite delicious."
Anyway, please forgive my wife. She doesn't realize that this wouldn't have been near as entertaining a night without you.
In friendship,
Matt
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2 comments:
Please tell me that didn't really happen.
The raccoon incident DID really happen complete with the two Very Large Policemen who showed up at four in the morning bc animal control was busy. Sorry Erin.
Jessa!! Yay!! I just linked to your blog. :) And the National Lampoon comment made Matt's day bc he LOVES those movies. I guess we are sort of crazy . . .
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