Editor's Note: this post is about religion. Don't say I didn't warn you.
I've always been very hesitant when telling people that I don't drink alcohol because I'm a Baha'i. I guess that might surprise some people, because I've never really felt pressure to act differently and it doesn't bother me what anyone else - whether they are Baha'i or not - does with regard to the issue (barring situations of substance abuse). Even more important than any Baha'i belief about alcohol or drugs is the bedrock principle that no individual has any right to pass judgment on others. What other people are doing or not doing is totally irrelevant to your own spiritual development so just leave it alone:
"O Son of Being! How couldst thou forget thin own faults and busy thyself with the faults of others?" - Baha'i Writings.
Furthermore, life is all about perspective, and I think it's pretty presumptuous to even look at what someone else is doing as a "fault". The right attitude isn't "Mr.Q is doing X, which is a fault, but I won't worry about it bc it's not my place." Of course, this is very general and is based on my personal interpretation of the Baha'i writings.
Anyway, I've digressed. I'm often hesitant - when meeting someone new - to tell them that I don't drink bc I'm a Baha'i. And the reason is bc, when I do, I can often see the doors being slammed in my face. People have soooo many assumptions about people who don't drink. It's kind of an ironic situation: people assume that non-drinkers are judgmental assholes, so when they hear that I don't drink they pass judgment on me and shut me out. I don't have a problem with someone who disagrees with what I believe or with the way I live my life; I have a problem with people use one little thing as justification for refusing to get to know other people. Again, I'm totally generalizing here.
This has always sort of bothered me, because I hope that I'm not a judgmental asshole and that when a person gets to know me it wouldn't weird them out that I don't drink. A few days ago I was reading the transcript of a talk by a Baha'i scholar and he said something that caught my attention. He said that people who might not otherwise have a problem with the Baha'i Faith get very turned off by some of the Baha'i laws - for example, the not-drinking thing. He said that this was understandable, bc so many people who do follow religious laws act in a certain judgmental way, and when someone who's never met a Baha'i hears that we aren't supposed to drink he or she might think "well, this isn't any different. This religion is just like all the others." The point he made was what caught my eye: that the Baha'i laws are not like "all the others". Most religions have laws based on concepts like original sin, or sinfulness - we don't have this concept in the Baha'i Faith as a basic for our laws. The laws don't stem from some black and white notion of right or wrong, they're a guidebook on the way to live the most spiritually healthy life. Drinking is a good example: the reason we're not supposed to drink isn't because it invites satan into our hearts and is wicked and evil. It's bc we believe that human beings are unique in having higher rational and spiritual faculties, and that it's not healthy to engage in behavior that restricts your ability to utilize those faculties.
I'm very frustrated by people who make assumptions about me. But it's also weird to feel like you are biting your tongue to keep from speaking your truth bc you don't want to be judged. A few months ago I was speaking with a friend and had an interesting experience, which I will edit for clarity and anonymity. My friend, Ninja, said "I can't hang out with them bc they're so religious." I responded that I was religious and that didn't prevent us from being friends, and Ninja said, "Yeah, but they're like judgmental and born-again. Q even believes in praying every single day."
I don't remember what I said but it definitely wasn't "I believe in praying every single day." I felt so torn: I didn't want to make Ninja feel bad and I certainly didn't want Ninja's opinion of the Baha'i Faith to change, but at the same time, I very strongly believe in praying every day. And I think the only reason Ninja said that is bc in Ninja's mind, daily prayer was a proxy for a lot of other - more negative - religious practices.
I guess the test is to strike a balance between being obnoxious ("I'd like a soda because I don't every drink alcohol bc if my religion!!") and between being too hesitant. For me that's definitely a work in progress.
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8 comments:
I think the difference is that a lot of people who don't drink really ARE pretty openly judgemental of others' decisions to drink. This stems from a pretty basic principle that most humans are naturally inclined to: "I make this choice and obviously I think making this choice is the correct choice, so in order to maintain a healthy belief in my own correctness, it must be the correct choice for others as well". You'll find that perspective everywhere you look. We all do it, on a certain level.
The difference is here: having faith that your choice is the correct choice for you doesn't necessarily mean you believe it's the correct choice for everyone, if you have enough faith that YOU don't need to be like everyone else, and THEY don't need to be like YOU. This is a very fine distinction, a shade of grey, that takes a little longer to really embrace.
So a lot of non-drinkers stick to the first half of this story - my choice makes sense, it makes me a better person, thus, other people who do not make my choice are not as well adjusted.
I had a friend who didn't drink in a very judgemental way - she thought it was weakness that others were indulging in, and saw them as lesser people because of it. This is both understandable and incredibly frustrating and I guarantee you that any person you meet who seems "judgemental" against non-drinkers has formed that perspective defensively - they have been judged and deemed lesser by a non-drinker and it rankles them.
Perhaps it rankles them because on a strictly rational level, drinking is a silly thing to do. As your faith states, it lessens our faculties of reason. We all know that, and thus is born the seed of defensiveness.
What judgemental people on both sides of this divide are missing is that crucial second step in the logic: that we should all be capable of identifying personal choice as a reason to refrain from moral implications about someone else's character on the whole. People's choices should only be factored in like puzzle pieces and given accordant weight and severity - if someone is a murderer, we can easily say that has a huge impact on their moral character but if someone chooses to lessen their faculty slightly by drinking, it is a lesser factor in their moral character.
This is probably as long as your post. But I hope it goes to explain where people are coming from when they seem judgemental. They're still wrong, and it is still ironic. Everyone should be more comfortable in dealing with the shades of grey when it comes to personal choice but moral absolutes are easier.
For the record, my respect for religious people who pray, have a close spiritual relationship with their God and faith, is colored only by their actions outside of that private belief. You are a good person, and if I have your private beliefs to thank for that character, then I am grateful to your religion. Another more complicated level of interpersonal understanding, I think.
Also, I love you! Happy festivus.
I disagree with your contention that drinking impairs your reason. Like one time, on New Years, I was drunk in a cab and I had to puke, but instead of puking all over the cab, I threw up in my purse. This is just one of many examples.
But seriously, I think it's really hard to be non-judgmental and to look beyond your choices when your really commited to a particular way of thinking and coming from someone who'd normally be ripe for the judgin', I appreciate your universal acceptance of people and their, what should we call them, quirks? It’s fun to be friends with you.
It's probably symptomatic of me being unfairly judgmental against religious persons in that, as a whole, I think of you (and your Bahai friends that I know) as an entirely seperate thing from "religion" as I know it. Oh, to hell with that, it's a fair judgment. The vast majority of people I have met who are committed to their religion are totally judgmental asshats who think they are better than everyone else and have the right, NAY the responsibility, to force their beliefs on me. Like, the whole thing with pharmacists not filling emergency contraceptive prescriptions for "moral" reasons? Hello? If I were an ER doctor and refused to treat someone because they were a priest and I disagree with the way they live their life, I would be SO FIRED. But for these people, these so-called "religious" people out there, it's not good enough to live by their own ethics, they want everyone else to live by them, too.
I think, deep down, all those people are afraid they might be wrong, and it makes them feel more right to force everyone else to be like them. That's why I think you are different, Raych, because you are secure in your beliefs and don't NEED to force them down anyone's throats to feel vindicated.
Also, the word verification thingy almost spells my name. NEAT!
I second what Erin said, except I'd use "assclowns" instead.
I really miss you two, mostly unrelatedly.
Heh heh . . . assclowns and asshats . . .okay, I'm actually in the middle of an 8-hour take home final and needed a little break. I guess I should wait to blog until later. And I miss all three of you girls. : (
And the word verification almost says my na - oh, no . . .nevermind. It says Hoflsrez. That's totally a dwarf name.
i feel you, rach.
one of my good friends who is a bahai just recently started dating someone. the guy she is seeing is culturally jewish but not especially practicing.
apparently, it was the biggest deal to him and his friends that the girl he is dating is "religious" and that she lives by bahai laws. she was expressing her frustration that everyone automatically assumed she was a certain way and put her into the "boring, prudish, holier-than-thou" box without even meeting her.
so yeah, it's hard to do your own thing (like not drink) in a non-judgmental way without people assuming you're judgmental and then judging you for it. you're right to say that it's very ironic that it happens that way.
i'm happy to report that usually, when people at parties ask why i'm not drinking, my answer is met with a positive response. it's good to know that people can respect my choice without judging me for it and without assuming that i'm judging them (b/c i'm definitely not judging them).
I'm a little late to the party, but can't help but respond anyway: right on. I've definitely had to face this much more since moving up north. I don't know if its because they drink more (I think they do) or just because I now have far more non-Baha'i acquaintances than I've had in many years. They talk about drinking a lot at work, and I think we have a good understanding going on about it... but with our friends it was tough at first. We have a lot of partying friends, and at the first few parties we went to I've heard rumors of whispers of "what's wrong with them? are they raging alcoholics or something?" Leave it to ultra-liberal grad students to assume that their peers are avoiding alcohol because of alcoholism instead of religion! We tell them we're Baha'is, and they are generally pretty cool about it (like in Chicago) -- but never ask anything else, not even from a curious-to-get-to-know-you perspective. Its definitely weird up here in MN.
tell ninja i've got some jesus juice back at the crib... and tell the pasty white father that he'll never have the last word, not so long as there's lead in my pencil.
-ali g
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