Me and my Brain

Two weeks ago: Raychul makes her way up a shaded path to a dimly lit duplex somewhere in North Campus. She follows the path around to the back of the duplex, checking to make sure she hasn’t been followed, and takes a deep breath before knocking firmly on a navy door marked only as “B”. The door is opened by a girl, mid-twenties, dark hair who . . .who looks . . .exactly like Raychul . . . .

Raychul: Hey! I was hoping you’d be home! I was just passing through, and I thought –
Raychul’s Brain: Well, well, well. If it isn’t the deserter, back to make my life hell because of her own bad choices. What do you want this time?
Raychul: Brain, I am shocked that someone as intelligent as yourself would think that I’m only here because I want something.
Brain: *Cold Stare*
Raychul: *Waffling under cold stare* Um . . .okay, the thing is, I have finals in a couple weeks, and –
Brain: And after spending all semester pissing away your time you’ve come to beg me for help?
Raychul: Well . . .yeah, that sounds about right. Expect for the “pissing away” bit; I have been doing a lot of really important things this semester.
Brain: Oh, save it. I know what you’ve been doing. *Pulls out a videotape*
Raychul: *gasps* Have you been following me??
Brain: Ha! Like you’re worth my time. I simply installed closed circuit video cameras throughout the city of Austin to track what you’ve been up to.
Raychul: Um . . .you’re saying you put up cameras all over the city? And that the footage is on that one tape? I’ve gotta say, that doesn’t seem to make much sense, Brain. Maybe you’ve been standing too close to the microwave or talking on your –
Brain: Enough! Do you think I enjoy hearing your pathetic excuses? *Pulls out an Assault & Flattery program* A play? You spent two months of time being part of a play??
Raychul: It was a little more than a play! We had dancing, and a live band and everything!
Brain: Look, I have full documentation of everything you’ve been doing – the extracurricular activities, the goofing off, going to work. But the fact is, you haven’t come to me all semester, and now here you are two weeks before finals. How did you expect to make it through law school without your Brain?
Raychul: I made it through all of undergrad without a Brain.
Brain: Point taken.

Brain proceeded to do her best, teaching Raychul the intricacies of Criminal Law and Civil Procedure. They did practice exams, multi-state bar questions, and occasionally took short breaks to ponder the more philosophical nature of the topics. On Monday evening Raychul called Brain on the phone.

Brain: Hello?
Raychul: Hey, it’s me!
Brain: . . . .Hillary Clinton?
Raychul: What? No! It’s Raychul.
Brain: Ohhhh, sorry – I was expecting a call.
Raychul: Whatever. Anyway, I finished my Civil Procedure exam!
Brain: Hey, that’s great, kid. So I guess you’re off to Hawaii or someplace now that you’re done.
Raychul: Well . . .I’m not exactly done . . .I kinda have one more small little exam that I forgot to mention.
*Click*
Raychul: Brain? Brain? Hello??

After much convincing. Brain finally agreed not to abandon Raychul, and on Tuesday they met at an outdoor café to study.

Brain: Well, Torts doesn’t look too bad, and you’ve already got your outline and everything. Should we start with some old exams?
Raychul: There’s sort of something I should tell you.
Brain: Yes?
Raychul: This exam . . .the multiple choice questions are sort of . . .important and . . .um . . .Ihavetotakethequestionswithoutnotes.
Brain: Excuse me?
Raychul: *Grins apologetically*
Brain: *Voice shaking with rage* Are you telling me that you’ve waited until TWO DAYS BEFORE YOUR EXAM to tell me that it’s CLOSED BOOK?!
Raychul: It sounds a lot worse when you put it that way.
Brain: Do you think this is funny? Do you think I enjoy being your Brain, watching you spend all of your time shopping and doing your hair and WATCHING REALITY TELEVISION?
Raychul: Well, I never –
Brain: WOULD IT KILL YOU TO PICK UP A BOOK? OR TO THANK ME FOR MY HELP?
Raychul: I didn’t mean to –
Brain: *Stands up, Torts outline in hand* WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT MISSY? YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN!! *Throws all fifty pages of Torts outline into the parking lot and storms off. Raychul watches glumly as the pages fly around in the wind and scatter throughout the entire city of Austin.*
Raychul: I am so screwed.