One of the most difficult things for me has always been not being "seen". It’s happened in such different ways that, although the feelings it gave me were the same, it’s only recently that I’ve come to acknowledge what a long-term test it’s been. One of the worst feelings in the world is when you catch someone watching you as if they understand, yet seeing in their face the preconceived notions and judgments that are clouding their vision, and knowing that they’re only looking through you into some caricature that they’ve created.
Since I’ve realized what a running theme this has been in my life, I feel like it comes up all the time. Everything relates back to this theme of vision, to the idea that people so often just accept what they’re told instead of actually examining what’s right in front of them.
Not to be a complete dork, but it makes me think of “The Matrix”. (Um, if you haven’t seen all 3 movies then Beware of Spoilers). In the third movie Neo becomes completely blind, and finds that he’s still able to see. His post-blindess sight seems to revolve around energy, so that he sees the world in the sharp contrasts of emptiness and red-fiery light. All of a sudden his vision is of a reality that transcends the physical world. I remember this when I think about not being seen and about True Vision. What do I see when I look at someone? What do people see when they look at me? In some ways life is just one giant Magic Eye. There’s so much going with each person and with your surroundings that everything’s just a mess. It’s hard to tune the world out and really look at someone, without fear or expectation, and then watch them come into focus.
What helps me is the realization that not being seen is an external problem, one that everyone has to deal with. I’ve been a lot of things in my life: short, frizzy-haired, smart, vapid, thin, kind, mean, chaste, and foul-mouthed. And the way people view me has less to do with what I am at any moment and more to do with where they are. There will always be someone around you who is stuck on a particular set of insecurities that you – just by being your marvelous self – happen to exacerbate. And you know what? That’s their problem. Letting what other people think about you affect your self-perception is devastating.
For me this means two things at the end of the day. First, it means that I have to be resolute in my determination to not care what people think, which is so hard. Second, I feel that it’s part of my responsibility to try and see people, so that they can know how that feels, so that they can work hard to see someone else. And then maybe the week after that the “someone else” will see me, and instead of thinking “There’s that loud girl with the stupid laptop bag. She thinks she’s so great” maybe she’ll actually say hi, or maybe we’ll have a nice conversation when we happen to meet at a coffee shop. Or maybe, instead of giving each other the girl-to-girl disapproving glance, we’ll at least smile.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this – and for those of you who’ve been emailing me privately, feel free to do that anytime you don’t feel comfortable posting. I love you guys so much, and I appreciate all of the feedback and encouragement.
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6 comments:
"The best beloved of all things in My sight is Justice... (b)y its aid thou shalt see with thine own eyes and not through the eyes of others, and shalt know of thine own knowledge and not through the knowledge of thy neighbor... Verily justice is My gift to thee and the sign of My loving-kindness. Set it then before thine eyes" HW2
just thought you'd appreciate a hearty "what-what" from the Lord of the Age... ;)
your suppliant thrall,
guillermo
ps: "one cannot allow their feelings of self-worth to be predicated on other people's perceptions of them"
-psychobabble that makes
good sense
pps: sounds like you had a bad day, that sucks... let me know iffen you want to talk...
i remain,
guillermo
I would like to commend "guillermo" for his night of drive-by commenting, as I've been informed that he visited the blogs of such others as Nas and Stephen.
In case anyone ever thinks to themselves "what kind of role models could Rachel have that caused her to be so flippant about law school", please just refer to Brian/guillermo's comments.
(Brian, sorry I had to oust you. I think you were freaking people out. More than usual, I mean).
And I am NOT stinky. Most of the time . . .
who on earth made you think you were stinky?
i've always found you as redolent as an lsat vocabulary word... ;)
poor girl... always seemed to have such a healthy self-image...
-maria conchita alanzo
What your talking about here is the heart of bitch society. This practice of people to create negative perceptive identities for their peers and acquaintances. It's a defense mechanism used by people with low self-esteem to control their world and block out judgment and rejection. ie, I’m better than you so it doesn’t matter what you think. Think middle school, cause this is where the child at its most wretched, hateful, self-loathing little self, at a critical stage in personal development, hones these skills.
So I was watching the Daily Show two nights ago and there was a woman who had written a book on how there was too much therapy and not enough competitiveness in schools today, like that's the number one problem with the American public school system, but I digress. Her republican point was that we will have a more prosperous ($$) society if children play aggressive Darwinian sports in gym class like dodge ball than if they sit around and express themselves and their feelings, you know, just figuring out who they are as people and coming to terms with and expressing their feelings on their problems, all that bull-shit. So, according to her, we need to teach our kids competitiveness over compassion and self-worth. Competitiveness, to her, is a more important American value than compassion and self-worth.
The pragmatic intent of my point is that what you are talking about is really a level of emotional maturity that should be taught and encouraged because it is a pillar, if you will, of a better society. I'm sure Amitiss and probably you in a less proselytizing way :), would tell me this is part of the Baha'i future, perfect one-world plan and it probably is, and obviously a spiritual education would teach that, but in my democratic opinion, the woman with the book is substantially incorrect and kind of an asshole, and this kind of emotional intelligence training and nurturing in schools is a practical response to creating a better AMERICA and a better society, because prosperity should be measured by the collective standard of living of all in a society, not in a commie kind of way, I mean that if we were all more socialized to “see” each other, past our individual prisons of self-preservation, we would have a greater investment in everyone else. In this society, there would be support for laws like universal healthcare, instead of tort reform and aid to AIDS in Africa, instead of taking funding away from health organizations that provide birth control.
Therefore, if every hateful little 6th grader was taught, in school, compulsory emotional development, maybe there would be less assholes, less people bitching about paying taxes, less uncured sickness, less poverty, and less little girls, with bloody noses from being smacked in the face with dodge balls by girls named Patty, who they picked on for not rotating their wardrobe with greater frequency in an effort to proclaim their own fashion superiority.
Okay that’s enough, lesson, republicans bad, nikki right, although severely off topic. Sorry for turning every conversation ever into a political diatribe.
Aside to “Hand that feeds me”: Please take note that this was posted during the lunch hour.
NOTE:
That posts says that it was done at 10:14 a.m. but it's wrong, it's 12:14, I swear.
are you saying that you picked on me & my wardrobe or i picked on you & yours? cause if you picked on me you earned that bloody nose... ;)
-patty from dodgeball
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